Feeling secure in our relationships is important. We need to feel that there’s a secure base for us and a significant degree of intimacy and love where we can share our hopes, dreams, worries, and joys.

But security can be a double-edged sword. It can become control – not least, control of the other person. That can be the kiss of death to sexual desire because for sexual desire to thrive, it needs the edginess of¬†independence and freedom. For an excellent discussion of this, see Esther Perel’s book, Mating in Captivity.

On the other hand, too little security in the relationship can create a sense that the whole relationship might disintegrate at any moment. It can be terrifying. Or it can feel like a relationship simply not worth investing in.

Too much control or too little security each create dysfunctional relationship dynamics.

How can we learn to live with our need for security and our need for independence?

What do we need and what do we need to tolerate in our relationships for them to flourish?