Many people seeking relationship counselling will tell me that the problem lies with their partner. Their partner really needs to change or all is lost.

But here’s the thing. (And in your heart of hearts, you know it already…) It’s not really just about your partner.

But it’s not really just about you either.

It’s about the relationship dynamics you create together.

And sometimes those dynamics, or “dances”, are really problematic.

The trick is not to place blame on the other person but on the dynamic. Make it a common enemy. Learn to spot it lurking on the edges of an otherwise pleasant evening. Learn to work together in seeing it off…

That’s part of what Emotionally Focused Therapy is about – identifying the dance, its triggers, and how to stop it before it even starts.

That’s not to say that our partners don’t have stuff that they need to sort out but once we get better at understanding our dances, we get better at understanding ourselves and our partners. We can find ways to discuss the issues that seem so difficult for us. We can find space again for love.

For a brief look at the process of Emotionally Focused Therapy, see: EFT Steps